Deadpool, Clench Hard and Cough
by Verthril
Summary: What's a Merc with a Mouth to do after his movie demolishes the box office? Why, *Spoiler Alert* of course! He just needs himself some help from *redacted*, *classified*, and *not appearing in his movie*.
1. Chapter 1

Marvel owns X-men and Deadpool, no profit is to be made from this work.

-=+=–=+=–=+=–=+=–=+=-

 _1407 Graymalkin Lane, Salem Center - 10:57pm Local time_

-=+=–=+=-

"Random beige trench coat commonly found at any thrift shop? Ten dollars. Dry cleaning bill to get out the stink of some other dude's ball sweat? Eh, twenty bucks after a coupon. _So worth it!_ Ghetto blaster bought off Ebay? Roughly two C notes before S &H. Peter Gabriel mix tape containing only _In Your Eyes_? Pirated, so free! Paying homage to John Cusack while asking the X-geeks for help? Priceless..."

" _There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's .50 cal rounds and plastique!"_

Wandering the lawn of the Xavier School for Gifted Children, aka the X-mansion, the most awesome mercenary for hire found himself with a quandary.

"Now, if I was a Negasonic Teenage Warhead, which room would be mine?"

" _How about the only one with the lights on?"_

"Why, I know! How about the only one that has it's lights on? As if she's the only one currently awake..." " _...cough, present, cough..._ " " at this whole, huge school? Madness! I know, right?!"

Gasping, Deadpool rushed up to the pool of light spilling from a second story window that, for being a Friday night, was oddly quiet.

" _Lets take care of that, shall we?"_

"Way ahead of me, _Inner Monologue_ , way ahead of me."

Slamming play, the most charismatic man to ever draw iron since Clint Eastwood hefted his trusty Ghetto Blaster overhead to lay down some sick beats.

"...the light, the heat! In your eyes, I am complete! In your eyes! I see the doorway, in your eyes! To a thousand churches, in your eyes!"

" _Cusack didn't sing along, just saying."_

Ignoring what some might call his common sense, Wade waited through at least three of the various versions of the song that he'd ripped off of Youtube. _How nostalgic, making a mix tape so I can pick up a girl! Tee hee!_

" _Exactly how many versions are there?"_

"Lets just say there's a B side to this tape incase I have the wrong window."

-=+=–=+=–=+=–=+=-

Elsewhere, and completely unbeknownst to the most Infamous Merc with a Mouth© who, once upon a time, had bore a striking resemblance to the sexiest thing to come out of Canada since William Shanter...

 _No, not Ryan Gosling, you silly goose. But kudos for being close!_

"Uh, FYI, Ellie? There's some creep out on the lawn wearing a flasher's trench coat."

Rolling her eyes at her roommate, about the only thing she had in common with Jubilee was parents who gave their kids names that needed improving on. Born Ellie Phimister, the now self-avowed Negasonic Teenage Warhead had a peek out the window just to make sure it was the dude she thought it was.

"I'll give you twenty bucks to _Paf_ him in any of the ways your always talking about wanting to do to the guys who killed your parents. Oh, and don't worry. He heals."

Flopping down on her bed, Negasonic Teenage Warhead dared Jubilation Lee to chicken out of the easiest twenty bucks cash she'd ever make in her life.

"When you say he heals...?"

"Gross as it was, I saw him 127 hours off his own hand and I doubt his sex life suffered for it."

One shrug later and she knew her roommate was sold.

 _Paf_!

Never in her life did twenty bucks sound as good as it did to the kind of shrieks, screams, and swearing that Hollywood usually reserved for it's big, bad R rated movies.

"Fucking ow. You know if he doesn't heal I'm so ratting you out as the _Chica_ who put me to manslaughter for a twenty, right?"

"He'll heal. Trust me, I also saw him use Colossus's nut sack for a punching bag."

"Wow, Phimister, like I wasn't grossed out before. I seriously just threw up in my mouth a little. 'Scuse me while I go gargle and spit, now."

-=+=–=+=–=+=–=+=-


	2. Chapter 2

Marvel owns X-men and Deadpool, no profit is to be made from this work.

-=+=–=+=–=+=–=+=–=+=-

Noticing a silhouette standing against the light that did break from yonder window, Wade Wilson, International Merc of Mystery, stood with bated breath as a decidedly feminine form drew open the blinds.

"Someone's finally coming, oh, but she's not the young Sinead O'Connor I'm looking for. Dang, wait, she's talking to someone? A roommate? Could it be? It is! Hi, girl with the coolest name ever! Wait, don't go!"

" _She's gone, Wade, you blew it."_

"But the other girl's still there, or is she actually a boy? It's so hard to tell in this light. He's waving at me? No, wait, he's definitely _maybe_ a girl, oh I'm so confused! What? She's throwing me sparkly jelly beans from her fingers? Funny, I don't remember taking a hit of acid..."

 _Paf!_

"Shit fuck motherfucker cocksucker piss, one of them flew up my nose! It burns like that time I snorted Sriracha, wasabi, and pop rocks together all at once!"

 _Now kids, don't try this at home, but fun fact! Bar bets go to the next level once you find out you can heal from anything!_

Snorting blood, bone, and whatever else had been in or anywhere around the vicinity of his sinus cavity, Wade poked his trigger finger through the new hole in his mask.

"No, not my nose! Great, I bet it looks like a cat's asshole now. You know what? Fuck this, I'm gonna knock. What's the worst that can happen?"

" _Death flag, calling it!"_

-=+=–=+=–=+=–=+=-

"This isn't any of your business, _Jubilation_ , so fuck off! I got this."

"Uh, it became my business the moment you paid me twenty bucks to Paf the guy, _Phimister_!"

 _Ding!_

As one, Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Jubilee froze on the stairs directly above the worst kept secret at the school, that being the elevator that led to the sub-levels.

"Shit, you don't think they're back already?" asked Jubilee.

"From what? Magneto's latest cry for attention? Yeah right, I honestly think the Professor gets off from all the mind games he plays. They just need to get over it already and seal the deal."

"Groady, Phimister, seriously groady. I didn't need to picture that much wrinkly old man skin bumping ugly."

Stepping out of the elevator was indeed an X-man, though only in the singular, Piotr Nikolaievitch Rasputin.

"Oh, it's just Pete..." Jubilee said dismissively of the kind hearted Colossus.

"Would you shut up before he catches us?"

Ducking down further into the shadows, below them Piotr stood with an attentive ear to their whispering. Dressed only in tight pair of Under Armour leggings and a towel thrown over his broad shoulders, he looked fresh from a serious work out in the Danger Room.

"Girls?"

Being the only two students left behind of all the rest who'd gotten to go on a field trip to Ireland to check out Cassidy Keep, apparently blowing up a decommissioned SHIELD Helicarrier was grounds for detention. What Jubilee did to get herself under house arrest was something Negasonic (to her few friends) personally didn't know, and didn't care about either.

 _Ding dong!_

And then Pete went to answer the door, having himself a quick peek out to see just who the heck was ringing the bell this late, only to come as close as he would to honestly swear.

"Bozhe moi..."

-=+=–=+=–=+=–=+=-

"Wade, what are you doing here? And what happened to your face?" asked Piotr Nikolaievitch Rasputin almost immediately after answering the door.

"Cancer. Oh, you mean this? Sparkly jelly bean boy did it."

"Hey, ass face, I'm a girl!"

"And who do I have to thank for that?! No, I'm serious, what's your name? Also, do you have a business card?"

"Jubilation!" Piotr bellowed in his best version of the _Tired Dad_ voice.

"Phimister paid me twenty bucks to do it! Ow! What? I told you I'd rat ya out."

As despondent as a perp walk, the girls slowly wandered down the steps to face the music.

"Negasonic, hey gurl! Get in here with me for a selfie!" Wade, that rambunctious rapscallion cheered, "Guess who's got himself a new profile pic? This guy! So, are you going to introduce me to your roomie?"

"Ugh, fine. She's Jubilee, now get that cat's ass you're calling a face out of mine."

" _Jubilee, why that sounds like a stripper name! Also, I really need to do one of those 'What you think, and what you actually look like' memes, and stat! I'm healing as we speak!_ "

"Wade?" Piotr asked from the still open door.

Holding his finger up to shush that hunk of a man, _god, the way Colossus could say his name made his toes curl_ , Wade took a page out of his favourite Negasonic Teenage Warhead's book and got his Facebook on. It was Open Season on Duck Lips, and he was about to go as viral as the Avian Flu.

"You will always remember this as the day you stood in greatness, a day when millions of puckered lips twisted in horror to be finally silenced!"

Tapping the post button, Wade Wilson then pouched his phone, because really, there was only so much awesome his costume had been tasked to contain. What could he say other than the truth, Deadpool don't shoot blanks, baby!

 _We're talking about bullets here folks, as let's be honest, Cancer is a real bitch, and like any attack dog Wade had the misfortune of running into, it went right for his balls first._

"Wade, what do you want?"

"To bounce a quarter off that fine ass of yours, Mister Buns of Organic Steel! But lets get back to business, shan't we? Here, one for you, and one for you, and, oh! Don't think I didn't make a few extras just in case! Here's one for you too, Miss _Girl I'm going to have to have a little talk with about the expected industry standards when it comes to accepting monetary compensation for service rendered, hereafter referred to as Grievous Bodily Harm_!"

" _Wade, they're staring. I told you we should have opted for pastels over crayons for the invitations!"_

 _But they're the brand that vaguely rhyme with Ray Liotta!_

"Surprise, I'm getting married, and you're all cordially invited! Oh, and if you could please RSVP within the next five minutes, that would be swell. As I may or may not have a borrowed, read: stolen, a Quinjet."

 _Nailed it!_

-=+=–=+=–=+=–=+=-


	3. Chapter 3

Marvel owns X-men and Deadpool, no profit is to be made from this work.

-=+=–=+=–=+=–=+=-

 _Sister Margaret's Home for Wayward Girls - Featuring for the first time ever, two wayward girls_

-=+=–=+=–=+=–=+=-

As just another night at the infamous Hellhouse (or so it was known to its clientele of mercenaries, miscreants, and those gentle people whose hobbies included racking up misdemeanours as a means to relieve their own boredom), beer was on tap and blood was on the floor.

"Wade, this is a bar."

"Petey, Petey, Pete, for this to be a bar would imply Weasel has a liquor license. This is just a place for men and women finding themselves in between jobs to kick back and relax..."

 _Not to say they were unemployed of course, no, don't be silly! It just so happened that much like the liver of any mercenary, there were marks and targets currently living on borrowed time._

"...now let me buy you a drink."

"What about the girls?"

"Sorry, Weasel won't serve a minor, and everyone else here knows fifteen will get you twenty," That Merc amongst men said with deadpan delivery, "Seriously though, I'm only kidding. Here it'll get you shived, shanked, or shot. Dealers choice. Trust me, they're perfectly safe."

-=+=–=+=–=+=–=+=-

 _Elsewhere - Two Wayward Girls_

-=+=–=+=–=+=–=+=-

Sitting at the bar with her happenstance roommate, Negasonic Teenage Warhead enjoyed herself the drink of choice among designated drivers everywhere, a coca-cola on the rocks. Beside her Jubilation Lee scrolled away on her phone, her own coke still untouched.

"What you're doing?" asked Negasonic.

"Googling kinky sounding drinks." replied Jubilee.

"Do I even want to know?"

"Ooo, here's a good one. Yo, bartender dude! Can I get a blow job? Oh, but make sure it's a virgin!"

 _Annnnd, change scene_...

-=+=–=+=–=+=–=+=-

"Colossus, meet Weasel. Weasel's going to be my Best Man."

"Uh, I am? Are any of Vanessa's co-workers going to be there?" Weasel asked, amidst his pouring of the finest import he had to offer on tap, _Labatt 50_ , from the yonder far and distant lands of, _wait for it_ , Canada.

"From hooking or stripping?"

"Either's good with me."

Finding his voice at last, well, after the muttered _Bozhe Moi_ into his beer, Piotr did at last greet the future Best Man, "It is... _interesting_ to meet you, Mister Weasel."

And then came at the most opportune of times a very welcome distraction from his present conversation as one of his young charges strolled up to steal the stool next to him, "Negasonic, where is Jubilee?"

"Lining up blow jobs at the end of the bar."

"Jubilation?!"

Meanwhile, it did not go unnoticed by Wade that the girl with the most awesome name ever very nearly came close to smiling.

"Careful, it almost looks like you're having fun." Wade noted of that faint smirk which had Negasonic's lips twitching (so clearly amused with herself after getting Jubilee in trouble).

But then his favourite Ripley cosplayer ( _of all time!_ ) got back into character, flipping him off in a portrayal so perfect that only that beautiful bad ass Sigourney Weaver herself could have done better, to then say this, "Sit and spin."

" _Oh, if she only knew some of the things I've had up my ass, she might not be so quick to say that. Why, one of them even happens to share a name with a place in Newfoundland!"_

 _Dildo, yes really. Don't believe me? Google it, I'll wait._

On that note, Wade did remember that other of reasons he had come to the Hellhouse, the first being to pick up his Best Man, "Hey Weasel, did your guy come through on the ring?"

"Just how you wanted it, ugly, a lot like your face. Oh, a word of advice now that I'm your Best Man, treat your wedding like a funeral and keep it closed casket. I don't need see that shit again."

Sliding down a little velvet box along with the next round, Weasel left to go tend to more customers further down the bar. Snapping open the box for a look, it was more beautiful than he could have ever imagined, and absolutely perfect.

"It looks like a ring pop." Negasonic noted as she inspected the gemstone abomination.

"Good eye."

Around that time, Colossus did come back with one Jubilation Lee tucked under his arm, "Whoa, check out that rock!"

Relinquishing the ring to the grabby hands of her roommate, Negasonic enjoyed a sip of her waiting coca cola on the rocks.

"And that's a real ruby, too. I personally smuggled it out of Thailand up my ass..."

"Ew, poop stone!"

"I'm gonna go wash my hands now." said Negasonic after her spit take, to then once again flip Wade off in her passing.

"You're wearing gloves!"

"They're fingerless, and I'm burning them."

"Dammit, Pete! Put me down already! I gotta go wash the ass cooties off my hands!"

Left with Pete to think of how he'd been such a hopeless romantic to smuggle that stone up his ass all because it so reminded him of that painful nostalgia of better days, a thought struck Wade that had him wonder aloud...

"Hey, isn't it funny how women always go to the bathroom together?"

 _End Scene_

-=+=–=+=–=+=–=+=–=+=-


End file.
